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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Uh-oh, you’ve been swept up in a riptide. Here’s what to do: swim parallel to the shore. If you try to swim against the riptide straight back to shore you’ll tire yourself out and drown before making any progress at all. Think of the riptide like a treadmill stuck on sprint settings. When you decide, instead, not to fight it head-on is when your efforts matter. Riptides don’t go on forever. If you swim parallel to the shore you’ll swim out of the riptide and be able to get to shore a bit further down the beach. 

 

Good to know, huh? I’m learning to swim parallel in life. My instinct is to fight this overwhelming force called bipolar disorder or despair or self-worth head-on. That’s not working. I’m just exhausted and further from the shore than I’d be if I just gave in. I’m not advocating drowning here, just smarter swimming.

There are likely going to be a lot more riptides for me. If I can learn to be smart about it things will be less traumatic.

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Sometimes all I can manage is to keep breathing.

 

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Okay, okay. I hear you. I finally hear you hubby, Dad, in-laws, and friends. It’s been hard to make out your words over the screaming of my own dark thoughts. But yes, it’s time to go to the doctor. I’ve had this sinus infection for far too long.

I’ve been using lots of excuses, but here’s the truth. My head is messing with me. I feel like I deserve to be sick, and if I didn’t deserve this I would be better by now. It’s not rational… but that’s just where I am. If I were a better person, not such a crap friend, had a job, ate healthier, cleaned my house, mowed the lawn, did more community service…. Yeah. 

So I’m getting my butt out of the house tonight, letting my husband take me on a proper date. And after the holiday, on Thursday, I’ll drag myself to the doctors’ office. Let’s get this sorted out. I hear you. Okay, I’ll take care of myself, even when I really don’t want to. 

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I wonder about dreams. Is anyone at-fault for nightmares? Are dreams angel thoughts, or the brain turning short-term memories into long-term ones, or the unconscious mind processing the day and problem solving, or something else? What about that place in-between dreaming and being awake? Are you responsible for what you’re thinking then? 

I’ve been having infanticide nightmares…. really, really graphic ones where I drop babies over the banister and watch in horror as they fall down multiple flights of stairs. And I wish I could just go, “Phew! I’m so glad that I woke up! That this was a dream, not reality.” But I’m still attaching blame. What kind of person thinks these thoughts? An evil person? A scared person? I don’t know. 

My logical self reasons that I’m still working through my issues about motherhood, my own mother’s death, and my recent miscarriage. I still wonder what I did wrong to cause that death. All of the research says that most early-term losses are through no fault at all. But I still feel like if I’d known I was pregnant, if I ate healthier, if I exercised more, if I worried less, if I’d been emotionally ready to be a mother, if I’d been a better person, if I weren’t on medication for bipolar disorder, maybe my body wouldn’t have rejected this fertilized egg. 

Such a dark, dark, place I’m in right now. 

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