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The Idiots

My doctor had a great idea today. I was telling her the reason I waited so long to get my sinus infection treated was because of my self-defeating thoughts. I know they’re irrational, but it’s hard to talk back to them. As I was talking, I kept using different terms for these thoughts… and she said, “Just call them The Idiots.”

Fits, doesn’t it? These thoughts don’t have any real power, only what I give them by giving into the noise. They’re loud and obnoxious but really… what the @(#* do they know about anything? Clearly, I’ve proven that I don’t need help identifying their folly. I know what they say is untrue. So, henceforth, these buggers’ll be called the idiots. 

The idiots would have me “sleep through” or “be too sick to go to” the quilt guild meeting next week. I’ve volunteered to demo a technique for a small group. The idiots keep telling me all sorts of things that aren’t so. I will prepare well and do the best I can. If it bombs, I doubt I’ll lose any friends. It’s okay to fail. And really, if I chicken out, there’s no chance for success anyway. The idiots’ main trick is scare tactics. But hey, they’re idiots. 

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Here’s a photo of my cousin Jasmine and her hubby Tim with the quilt I organized for them. They were married in October 2010 and were awarded this completed project for their first anniversary. This photo was taken around Christmastime last year. 

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The specifics:

1) Jas asked me to be a bridesmaid, and said if there was anything specific I wanted to help out with, to speak up. I volunteered to spearhead a signature quilt for the couple. 

2) It took me about 18 months to make from start to finish, but that includes more than a few months where it was folded up in a drawer waiting for the next step.

3) The quilt is in their wedding colors: gold, mossy green, and persimmon. It is a log cabin pattern, which is especially fitting since they live and work at a sleep-away camp where they have – guess what? – a log cabin. It fits on a queen-sized bed. 

4) I made the blocks before the wedding. They were signed during the reception by the guests (and even the chef!) Then I brought them home to assemble the quilt top, sandwich it, and quilt it. 

5) It has very basic stitch-in-the-ditch quilting. I wanted the signatures to be the main feature, so the minimal quilting doesn’t call attention away from them. 

6) Jasmine was one of my first best friends as a child and we remain very close. I’ve known Tim a long time, too. He’s from Jas’ hometown and went to summer camp with my cousins, sister, and me. I haven’t seen them since the wedding but it’s a comforting thought they have a tangible reminder of our love for them… to snuggle up with on cold nights. 

Say What?

Okay, okay. I hear you. I finally hear you hubby, Dad, in-laws, and friends. It’s been hard to make out your words over the screaming of my own dark thoughts. But yes, it’s time to go to the doctor. I’ve had this sinus infection for far too long.

I’ve been using lots of excuses, but here’s the truth. My head is messing with me. I feel like I deserve to be sick, and if I didn’t deserve this I would be better by now. It’s not rational… but that’s just where I am. If I were a better person, not such a crap friend, had a job, ate healthier, cleaned my house, mowed the lawn, did more community service…. Yeah. 

So I’m getting my butt out of the house tonight, letting my husband take me on a proper date. And after the holiday, on Thursday, I’ll drag myself to the doctors’ office. Let’s get this sorted out. I hear you. Okay, I’ll take care of myself, even when I really don’t want to. 

I wonder about dreams. Is anyone at-fault for nightmares? Are dreams angel thoughts, or the brain turning short-term memories into long-term ones, or the unconscious mind processing the day and problem solving, or something else? What about that place in-between dreaming and being awake? Are you responsible for what you’re thinking then? 

I’ve been having infanticide nightmares…. really, really graphic ones where I drop babies over the banister and watch in horror as they fall down multiple flights of stairs. And I wish I could just go, “Phew! I’m so glad that I woke up! That this was a dream, not reality.” But I’m still attaching blame. What kind of person thinks these thoughts? An evil person? A scared person? I don’t know. 

My logical self reasons that I’m still working through my issues about motherhood, my own mother’s death, and my recent miscarriage. I still wonder what I did wrong to cause that death. All of the research says that most early-term losses are through no fault at all. But I still feel like if I’d known I was pregnant, if I ate healthier, if I exercised more, if I worried less, if I’d been emotionally ready to be a mother, if I’d been a better person, if I weren’t on medication for bipolar disorder, maybe my body wouldn’t have rejected this fertilized egg. 

Such a dark, dark, place I’m in right now. 

Nope, I haven’t forgotten. I will post s’more pictures. Here’s one! This one is of my entry for my guild’s row quilt challenge this year. It won 3rd place by popular vote. It’s called, “It’s Not a Fish.” Image

It’s labelled #8 because of the blind vote. Vote by number so the makers’ names aren’t involved. That way it’s which quilt do you like best, not a popularity contest. Awarded in March, 2012, this quilt is one of the most modern looking pieces I’ve done. It’s entirely my own design, with brainstorming (and fabric!) help from many friends. 

Cool Stuff ’bout this quilt:

1) It was made from start to finish, concept to binding, in less than 3 weeks. 

2) When I started, I knew this piece needed to be mostly greys… and I had exactly one piece of grey fabric. Once I put the word out, scraps came to me from five different quilting buddies within a week! Generous folk. 

3) I designed my own paper-piecing pattern for the hearts. 

4) The silhouettes are (upper) my mom and (lower) cousin Jasmine. I cut around their faces in photographs then enlarged as needed. 

5) Our speaker for the February guild meeting showed a series of mother/child animal quilts. The giraffe one moved me and so there’s a nod to it in the 3rd column. 

6) I have no idea where this quilt’s home is yet. It may hang on a wall someday, for now it’s just folded on a shelf. 

7) The quilts I spend the most time on, and therefore treasure most, are almost always emotionally based. 

8) The prize for 3rd place was a gift card to Beverly’s… which I promptly spend on (guess what?!) Yup, more fabric. 

So I’m still learning my way around this site, and blogging is new to me. My first post (Sickly Eating) was actually published on this site as a “page.” Whoops. 

Apparently, I can add photos to my posts. I didn’t have to click “post a photo.” Ah well, sometimes you just have to learn by doing. So here are a few more pictures related to my quilt, “Picking Up The Pieces.” I’ll figure this all out and do it properly someday. Until then, no puppies died ’cause I hit the wrong button. Image

That first picture is my quilt hanging in the Santa Clarita Valley Quilt Guild’s show in 2012. Purty, eh?

 

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There’s a close-up of the ribbon this quilt won. 

As chairwoman of the boutique, I also got to give a ribbon. That was super fun. I awarded mine to my favorite quilt at the show. I’ll ask the maker, Carrie, if I can post a picture of that one up here for y’all to oggle. 

 

Here’s my award-winning quilt, “Picking up the Pieces.” Recognize the model? Yup, that’s me. I’m holding up the first place, large quilts category, ribbon from Santa Clarita Valley Quilt Guild’s 2012 show. This is the guild I’m active in. Fun, fun. This quilt was also shown in the Glendale, CA 2012 show.

It’s made up of lots of teeeny tiny pieces, all machine sewn together. It took me about two years and countless hours to make. My masterpiece.