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Archive for June, 2012

I wonder about dreams. Is anyone at-fault for nightmares? Are dreams angel thoughts, or the brain turning short-term memories into long-term ones, or the unconscious mind processing the day and problem solving, or something else? What about that place in-between dreaming and being awake? Are you responsible for what you’re thinking then? 

I’ve been having infanticide nightmares…. really, really graphic ones where I drop babies over the banister and watch in horror as they fall down multiple flights of stairs. And I wish I could just go, “Phew! I’m so glad that I woke up! That this was a dream, not reality.” But I’m still attaching blame. What kind of person thinks these thoughts? An evil person? A scared person? I don’t know. 

My logical self reasons that I’m still working through my issues about motherhood, my own mother’s death, and my recent miscarriage. I still wonder what I did wrong to cause that death. All of the research says that most early-term losses are through no fault at all. But I still feel like if I’d known I was pregnant, if I ate healthier, if I exercised more, if I worried less, if I’d been emotionally ready to be a mother, if I’d been a better person, if I weren’t on medication for bipolar disorder, maybe my body wouldn’t have rejected this fertilized egg. 

Such a dark, dark, place I’m in right now. 

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Nope, I haven’t forgotten. I will post s’more pictures. Here’s one! This one is of my entry for my guild’s row quilt challenge this year. It won 3rd place by popular vote. It’s called, “It’s Not a Fish.” Image

It’s labelled #8 because of the blind vote. Vote by number so the makers’ names aren’t involved. That way it’s which quilt do you like best, not a popularity contest. Awarded in March, 2012, this quilt is one of the most modern looking pieces I’ve done. It’s entirely my own design, with brainstorming (and fabric!) help from many friends. 

Cool Stuff ’bout this quilt:

1) It was made from start to finish, concept to binding, in less than 3 weeks. 

2) When I started, I knew this piece needed to be mostly greys… and I had exactly one piece of grey fabric. Once I put the word out, scraps came to me from five different quilting buddies within a week! Generous folk. 

3) I designed my own paper-piecing pattern for the hearts. 

4) The silhouettes are (upper) my mom and (lower) cousin Jasmine. I cut around their faces in photographs then enlarged as needed. 

5) Our speaker for the February guild meeting showed a series of mother/child animal quilts. The giraffe one moved me and so there’s a nod to it in the 3rd column. 

6) I have no idea where this quilt’s home is yet. It may hang on a wall someday, for now it’s just folded on a shelf. 

7) The quilts I spend the most time on, and therefore treasure most, are almost always emotionally based. 

8) The prize for 3rd place was a gift card to Beverly’s… which I promptly spend on (guess what?!) Yup, more fabric. 

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So I’m still learning my way around this site, and blogging is new to me. My first post (Sickly Eating) was actually published on this site as a “page.” Whoops. 

Apparently, I can add photos to my posts. I didn’t have to click “post a photo.” Ah well, sometimes you just have to learn by doing. So here are a few more pictures related to my quilt, “Picking Up The Pieces.” I’ll figure this all out and do it properly someday. Until then, no puppies died ’cause I hit the wrong button. Image

That first picture is my quilt hanging in the Santa Clarita Valley Quilt Guild’s show in 2012. Purty, eh?

 

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There’s a close-up of the ribbon this quilt won. 

As chairwoman of the boutique, I also got to give a ribbon. That was super fun. I awarded mine to my favorite quilt at the show. I’ll ask the maker, Carrie, if I can post a picture of that one up here for y’all to oggle. 

 

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Here’s my award-winning quilt, “Picking up the Pieces.” Recognize the model? Yup, that’s me. I’m holding up the first place, large quilts category, ribbon from Santa Clarita Valley Quilt Guild’s 2012 show. This is the guild I’m active in. Fun, fun. This quilt was also shown in the Glendale, CA 2012 show.

It’s made up of lots of teeeny tiny pieces, all machine sewn together. It took me about two years and countless hours to make. My masterpiece.

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My husband went to the doctor today. Nope, he’s not sick. (That’s me.) His work sent him because…. get this… he was bitten by a squirrel. What?! So here’s what happened. There are tame-ish squirrels that frequent the lunch tables at Jeff’s workplace. He was hand feeding one some bits of bread when another dashed towards him. The first squirrel lunged to get the bread before the other stole it, and got a teeny tiny bit of Jeff’s finger, too. 

So this paper-cut sized boo-boo was enough to warrant a mandated doctor’s visit complete with a drug test. Apparently if you’re feeding squirrels you might be high. Or something. LOL. Yes, I think Jeff will live. But it might end up part of the announcements during the weekly meeting. “Do not feed the squirrels.” 

So silly.

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Call the wambulance!

When I posted this on facebook today, my sister asked what a wambulance is. “I have to be creative to stop the wambulance’s arrival while I’m sick today. Distractions help.” I like witty sayings and this is a witty way of saying, “quit your bitchin!” I have a sinus infection. Again, or still, I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter anyways. All that matters in this moment is I’m in a lot of pain but don’t want to whine about it. Okay, maybe I do want to whine about it. But not really.

So here I am, downstairs, checking email and playing my facebook games. Distractions help, remember? So does petting my kitties but they’ve all decided not to snuggle tonight. Counting my husband’s snores isn’t relaxing anymore. My head hurts too much.

I always like seeing pictures on my friends’ blogs so maybe I’ll post one tomorrow. The hand-applique project I’ve been working on for a few weeks is nearly ready. It’s based on a photograph of my sister from when she was 18 months old. Maybe I’ll post some photos of the two quilts of mine that recently won awards. For now, it’s back to Slingo.

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It’s interesting that they didn’t put it together. I felt very exposed, watching the musical “Next to Normal.” The play includes the themes of bipolar disorder, an absent mother, losing a child, and addiction. But I was told beforehand that I may cry because I’m proud of my cousin’s acting in it, but not particularly because of anything in the play. Hmmm… really? Do you guys not know what I have been going through? Have I not been acting sufficiently crazy around you?

My actress cousin approached me later and said she didn’t realize beforehand how close to home these subjects would hit. She was very sweet about it. And one of my aunts asked for more information about my experience of being bipolar.  My Dad had a strong emotional reaction to the play, too.

I’m glad that I saw the musical. It at once made me feel both validated (the writer understands!) and alone. One line was, “We don’t really know what it is, it’s just a collection of symptoms.” Just because my collection doesn’t include hallucinations doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me to cope. I’ve got the anxiety bit covered instead.

Yes, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder five or six years ago. I’ve been experimenting with treatments ever since. You know what works best for now? Being kind with myself, especially when I screw up. And continuing to be around people. I spiral into darkness through solitude. And hey, my friends seem to like having me around these days. 🙂 Woot. Meds help sometimes too.

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